Title: He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

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Customer Reviews:
He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Dell

Great insight

My girlfriend I have benefited from this book immensely. She is an active avoider and I have been both, while being the passive avoider in this particular relationship. I have bought two copies of this, and another title from the same authors called "Getting To Commitment" and gave one set to her to read while she was away in Emirates for a business trip. She admitted openly that she was pretty disturbed to see herself in the mirror while reading the books, but since then her behaviour started to change dramatically. I am not expecting her to fix herself completely but now she talks about seeing a psychologist/teraphist upon her return, and even wonders what will come out from under the slabs she's been keeping her inner self under.

For those who feel this book falls short in offering fixes towards the diagnosed, I recommend them to buy "Getting To Commitment" for the follow-up.
He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Dell

Simply Brilliant

I could not for the life of me figure out what was going on in my ex's head and why our relationship wasn't working out. After reading this book I now realise that I have a passive commitment issue. The book describes several different commitment fears. As I read the book I thought, none of these fears were what I was experiencing, and then they discribed the fear that I had and everything all of a sudden clicked. It was like an a-ha moment. It was a fear that I had since I was very young, but which I have been hiding away. It literally sent chills down my spine when I finally figured out what was going on. I now also understand why I was attracted to certain types of partners. I guess you have to face all your fears that you may have otherwise they are going to come back and bite you later on. This book is a must read for anyone who is strugling to make their relationships work.
He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Dell

Ok but could use some help

I bought this book about a year ago to help my relationship. Although I did like reading some of the examples because they related to what I was going through all one really needs to read is the appendix at the end. I thought that this was the better part of the book. True the book did not give answers as to why some are the way they are but I think that it did bring up the questions for self-reflection. If you have time take a look.
He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Dell

Not a completely useless book...but close.

This book starts out well enough, it defines the word commitmentphobic (anyone scared of a commitment) and then discusses active and passive conflicts. It then talks about characteristics of each type -- things a person with active conflicts typically does in relationship, and the same for those with passive conflicts. You'll probably start to see some familiar behaviors here. Then it'll explain how everyone has commitment issues to some extent, both passive and active, and how it's only a problem if it interferes with your relationships.

You say to yourself, great. This is all very reassuring. So what do I do about it?

For the next 200 pages (it's about 300 pages total), the book offers NO practical advice. Instead it begins to use "commitmentphobic" as a dirty word, and starts to tell stories of relationships. You read story after story thinking "Hey, I see some of myself here, I wonder what they'll recommend to resolve this situation...". You get to the end of the story and there's no advice, just another story. You get to the end of the chapter and there's no advice, just another chapter full of stories. And regardless of what they say, not all the stories are of commitmentphobic people.

The book also practices a lot of tough love. In several cases it appears to be saying "Anyone who is willing to commit to you is the person you should commit to. There is no perfect person, no person of your dreams, no one you should be holding out for. Growing up means giving up on your dreams and settling down."

Finally, the last few chapters of the book attempt to give some practical advice, but it ends up being contradictory. Here's what one of the last chapters said, boiled down to a few sentences.

Acknowledge you have commitment issues, but don't talk to your partner about them. Ok, do talk to your partner about them, but don't cry. Actually, don't talk to your partner about them because that'll create more intimacy. Wait, do talk to them about it, but only when you're ready to break up with them.

What????

In the end the only real practical piece of advice they give is to get counseling. Not very useful after buying the book and reading 300 pages.

I'll save you trouble and give you the good stuff out of the book. Notice how short it is.

Active avoiders pursue hard at first and then draw away, putting up boundaries. Passive avoiders fall hard, but always for the wrong people (active avoiders). You're falling for those people because it's "safe" to love them, because you know it won't turn into a real relationship. No one necessarily falls into one camp or the other, you can switch between relationships or during a single relationship.

Everyone has commitment issues to some extent. If your issues hurt your relationships, take a cold hard look at your patterns and try to manage them. If you can't, seek counseling.

See? I did all the whole book in less than a page.
He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Dell

You may have a fear of commitment and not even realize it!

I bought this book b/c my boyfriend and I were dating several years and it seemed when one of us wanted to move forward and commit, the other was holding back, then we would flip-flop - reading this book enlightened us so much on why that is and why we behave certain ways in our relationships and choose the partners we choose! Very interesting info to say the least!! I'm only 1/3 through but it's a great read!
He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships by Dell

Product Description

Available for the first time in paperback, this  follow-up to the phenomenally successful  Men Who Can't Love tackles the issue of  commitmentphobia, that persistent obstacle to truly  satisfying contemporary relationships. Authors  Stephen Carter and Julia Sokol explore why modern men  and women are torn between the desire for intimacy  and the equally intense need for independence.  Drawing on numerous interviews and real-life  scenarios, and written with humor, insight, and the kind  of wisdom gained by personal experience,  He's Scared, She's Scared offes guidance  for all of us who want genuine, sustained intimacy  with our romantic partners.